You have got to be kidding.
Seriously, is the universe conspiring against me? It must be. No kidding. This is the universe’s grand plan interfering with my personal plans.
Hair disheveled, clothes in disarray, tongue tied.
I cannot. This is the worst. Why does he have to see me like this? Why do I have to freeze at this particular moment? Why is he asking me a question?
He. Is. Asking. Me. A. Question.
Body paralyzed, thoughts scattered, heart beating like crazy.
Nice job, self. You can’t get any more obvious than that.
But I could be wrong. It’s easy to mess up when the celestials are against you. I could think of a hundred other things that could fail as I try my best to answer his question.
That’s why I, the clumsy, honest, and obvious me, asks the universe for one thing. Just one thing from this infinite world.
And that’s for you to stay dense.
As dense as helium inside the balloons in a children’s party. As dense as oil can get as it floats in water. As dense as the black hole formed by the death of a star.
As dense as you are right now as you wonder why in the world am I flustered as I try to respond to your words which came at me unexpected like lightning.
I know. This sounds really stupid. Me, tripping over myself at the sight of you. Catching myself smiling despite my protests against my friends’ joking about you and I. Feeling my heart skip a beat every time I deny my admiration for you.
After all my slip-ups, I am considering that what is happening can be called a miracle. Seriously. It’s a miracle that you still. Don’t. Get it.
It amazes me every single time how I manage to escape having myself found out by you, the oblivious you that I like so much.
And it surprises me that every single time, a small part of me, a thin sliver of my existence, a tiny fiber of my being, gets disappointed every time I get away with it.
Maybe this is the true conspiracy. Maybe this is what the universe’s grand plan is. Maybe the whole world is laughing at what is the biggest joke right now–me.
And the gravity of this thought crushes my heart.
But even as I crumble silently inside, the world will keep turning. The sun will keep setting and rising then setting again. The colors of the leaves will change and fade and liven again as the seasons change.
And I will keep on wondering, as I hold my pen in one hand and paper on the other as I write another article containing my feelings for you, how dense can you be to not see right through me?
Maybe we ride different frequencies. Maybe our stars were meant to just cross but not coincide. Maybe we exist in different spaces in this possible multiverse.
And that’s why, I wish that you remain oblivious. You knowing would only complicate matters. What if you stop talking to me? What if you start ignoring me? What if we become strangers like how we once were before that fateful day when our paths met?
And there goes my overthinking head as I try to control it from spinning and weaving what-ifs that will only destroy me.
Remain dense for me, will you? Like how you are unaware of your good looks and your charmingly awkward personality. Like how you have no idea of what your presence does to my heart and to me. Like how clueless you are to the number of people you unknowingly draw towards you, who experience the warmth that you radiate.
Remain dense, even if the gravity of this trait of yours is truly what pulls me towards you.
I don’t know why I keep falling for black holes like you. I may never know the answer. And I’ll just be here with my pen and paper, wondering why, until my feelings burn out like an aged star as it explodes and dissipates into nothingness.
02/23/17 7:48 pm || 02/23/17 10:03 pm
Artwork is a piece-in-progress by Sabrina Anne Ricarte