I am living in the now.
I am living in this moment where I can feel his hand in mine as we walk under the trees with no one around to marvel at the miracle that is us. Now, where I can hear his soft laughter while knowing that I am the cause of that sound. This moment, where I can make him smile with my small gestures and fill his eyes with happiness. Every moment that I am with him, where I am constantly praying for this moment to not end and for this to last longer, I wish not for forever.
I am living in the moment.
I am living in the now where she manages to pull my heartstrings, every single time, just by being at my side. Now, where I can see her vibrant smile while knowing that I am the cause of that reaction. This moment, where I can whisper to her sweet words that I truly mean and fill her eyes with happiness. Every moment that I am with her, where I am constantly willing for the world to stop spinning and for time to stop running, I wish not for forever.
We are certainly living in the now.
Now, where I can still wipe her tears of sadness while knowing that I am the cause of that pain. This moment, where I constantly make him feel fear, anxiety and uncertainty. Every moment that we are together, where we are constantly wanting for each other to know just how much love we feel, we wish not for forever.
We are definitely living in the moment.
We are living in the present where I am yours. The now, where I can almost, just almost, call you mine. This moment where almost is enough. It is more than enough. Especially, when we know that this “almost” is possibly the closest thing reality can give us. Every moment that we are together, for every tear we shed, for every laughter we let out, we desperately, lovingly, do not wish for forever.
For what is forever if I cannot spend it with you? If I will spend my waking hours knowing she isn’t mine anymore. If I will spend my sleepless nights thinking he was once mine. If we will spend our days remembering what once was and working with the memory of “us”.
But that is why the present is the gift. That is why we are living it right now. While we can. Even though we have to constantly struggle to keep our feelings in check. Even though we have to continually climb this wall between us that seems to be growing higher with each passing day. Even though we have to relentlessly try to silence our hearts as they scream each other’s names.
Our vibrant present will slowly dull into the past as we push forward into the misty future. A place we are dreading to venture into. But we must. We should. For the sake of what we have. For the sake of what we feel. For the sake of what we wish. We will venture forward as we desperately try to stretch this time we have together as far off as we can into the future.
She loves him. He loves her back.
He loves her. She loves him back.
And with these feelings, they feel fear. For at the back of their minds, they know that there may never come a time where they could scream and shout to the world the three words that lit the flames of their present.
“I love you.”
But despite the doubts and the fears, the uncertainty and the anxiety. They choose to hold on. They repeatedly choose each other as they wake up to the first rays of the sun. They will continuously choose each other as they lay their heads on their pillows at night. And with each present turning to past, and the future turning to present, they quietly smile. For within their hearts, they sincerely hope,
“The future truly turns into the present, then maybe… just maybe…. we can make that future with an “us” like the present.”
04/26/17 1:57 pm || 04/27/17 12:00 pm
Artwork by Justine Brooke Chua
Originally titled In the Moment